Super Smash Brothers: a Tradition.

Never before has there been a greater squad to fight the forces of evil.


Since the dawn of time, Grads of St. George’s School have been playing Super Smash Brothers. The origins of Smash Bros. remains unknown but scholars maintain that there are early signs of the game found in the famous cave paintings of Lascaux, France. There have also been traces hidden deep within several religious texts.  Time went on and with the evolution of Man, so came the evolution of Smash.

As primitive cave men, people would  fight each other in real life – the standard for these fights being, of course, three stock (or lives) and a level battle ground (preferably Final Destination). As man came into the enlightened period of time, known as the renaissance, people began to wonder how they could reinvent this sport.

It was Leonardo da Vinci who had the first break through for Smash in over ten thousand years. He invented an entertainment system using only string, pliers and the tears of a orphan boy. This system was named the Nintendo 64, after the sixty four Gods that the people of that time embraced, Nintendo being the greatest and most powerful of these gods. Da Vinci also crafted a new Smash Bros. game for this console called Super Smash Bros. 64. He faced a problem however: how to get the images from the console to be projected. That is where Michelangelo came into play. Michelangelo created a primitive style of projector which harnessed the power of the sun, processed the energy through a tesseract and projected the image out onto a canvas using and elaborate system of pulleys, levers, and lenses.

Smash Bros. stayed the same for many a year after the monumental breakthroughs of da Vinci and Michelangelo; that is, until the Industrial Revolution came about. It was in this time that England, in order to assert their dominance over the rest of the planet, invented The Gamecube and along with it Super Smash Bros. Melee. By creating a monopoly on this product, Britain was able to trade with other civilizations and conquer most of the known world.

Then next major break through was during the 1920’s in America, commonly know as the roaring 20’s, and for good reason. It was during this time that the US, after having such huge success in WWI and facilitating massive industrial production, invented the Wii. The Wii was to be that catalyst that slingshotted Smash into the modern world. Legend has it that the president of the United States took the brightest minds of the day, locked them in an underground bunker for 40 days and 40 nights, and forced them to work until they came up with a new version of Smash. They were not allowed to eat or sleep until this task was accomplished and as a result there were 5 casualties out of the group of 20. This event is know as the “Nintendocide” and is recognized as the greatest tragedy in the history of Smash Bros. Luckily their sacrifice was not for nothing. After three months, the brilliant minds of Bunker 51 had created the greatest smash game yet…Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Now, in 2014, The latest and most elaborate Smash game has finally been released. Its arrival has been highly regarded by many academics such as Steven Hawking and Kim Kardashian as being “the most exciting thing to have ever happened in the history of the entire world.” This latest Smash has been titled Super Smash Bros. 4 (or even Sm4sh) and is playable on both The Nintendo 3DS as well as The Wii U (both of which are gifts from our lord and saviour Yeezus). The St. George’s Grad class of 2015 has been sinking their teeth into this juicy new game and its is easy to say that they are in love. One student, who requested to remain anonymous, said, “Without this game, I don’t know if I could go on living. I might just curl up into a ball and cry.”

One of Saints’ most well known Smash gladiators, Ahmed Shokry (grade 12), gave his opinion of this newest gift from the Gods, preaching, “Smash is love! Smash is life!” from the rooftop of the school for 24 hours straight. Nonetheless, he lamented, “Now no one will play on the Wii that I donated to the grad lounge, which I so gratefully received as a gift from my smash mentor, Bruce Lee. However, this is a sacrifice that I must make for the greater good of the people.”

Stay tuned for a follow-up review of the newest Super Smash Bros. game!